June 2023: Reflection 

(Or Maybe More of a Rambly Rant?)

This month’s post coincides with the beginning of year 7 of my time on Active Duty.

I wanted to use this post to assist in reflecting on my military-professional experiences, having now spent two years in each Company Grade Officer Rank: Second Lieutenant, First Lieutenant, and Captain.

Unfortunately, the reflection (journal reading, old correspondence examining) experience left me in a bit of an emotionally down state.

Instead, I think I’ll take this post to lean into that and just let some words flow. Admittedly, that isn’t super different from how I usually write these posts, but even my typical posts at least have some kind of skeleton to build from…

Anyway.

So, I’ve made it through six years as an officer.

A traditional retirement is a mere 14 years away – I’m over a quarter of the way there.

As a second lieutenant, I was mostly quietly curious about why we do so many of the things we do.

I trusted almost everyone around me to have real expertise in the work they did.

As a first lieutenant, I could not understand why everything seemed so difficult when so much of it seemed relatively easy.

In an excellent, professional test organization, we had processes for everything.

Our organization made sense. Our training made sense. Our equipment – limited a resource as they may have been – made sense.

But, we worked with entities that did not seem well organized or well trained despite having sufficient – if not excellent – equipment available.

I don’t think I trusted most people outside of my organization, but I had great trust in my own team members.

Now, as a captain, I feel ignorant as ever, but more emotionally mature than I think I have ever been. Working with others is a skill unto itself, but my technical expertise seems non-existent. My ability to communicate is (perhaps) strong while my ability to comprehend much of what I need to communicate at work is less than personally suitable. I either avoid most circumstances at work that would expose this fact, or I genuinely have no need for much technical knowledge and therein have no/ low threat to bring any such (lack of) knowledge to bear.

I am frustrated. Sometimes.

I seek to understand, and often find myself resisting critical evaluation for fear of not understanding enough.

Life does not wait for either sufficient understanding nor critical evaluation, so I find myself frequently forced to act rather than delighted to Do.

In my newest role, in which I am now a captain with more years as a captain than as either tier of lieutenant, I find myself consistently faced with the demand to Do and without the time to deliberate.

This is both a blessing and a curse. Both boon and bummer. Peace and pain.

There is a sweet spot to manage if balance is to be found on the see-saw of challenge, but as it applies both metaphorically and non-metaphorically, the only ways to truly balance upon a see-saw are to constantly shift as one side tilts toward a crash or to straddle the see-saw while planted firmly somewhere both above the see-saw and the ground. Then, the only way to do that safely is to be fully atop the see-saw and keep your head on a swivel lest some external force, intentionally or not, does something to cause one end or the other to fall…

More simply put: Sometimes, there is relatively little challenge in a day. Sometimes, there is significant challenge in a day. Oftentimes, my window of influence is relatively little. More often, external forces – which I have variable but often little influence upon – dramatically apply challenge to my day.

I enjoy some challenge. I think many of my peers do. But like balancing on a see-saw, there is a degree of challenge or instability that is fun. Beyond that degree, my enthusiasm to remain on the see-saw depends on the duration of instability, the intensity of instability, whether or not I was injured from failure or from a significant breakdown…

Break, break.

I will also reflect on my other-than-professional life in this post, a bit.

Since I started my active duty career, I have lost a lot of friends.

Much of this was inevitable in a way – I stopped talking to people that I shared little more than an academic history with. I did not exactly have many friends in the first place – I switched schools so much as a teenager, the only permanent friends I made were those I interacted with outside of school. The only such permanent friend I made that also stuck around into my professional life has since chosen to end his own life.

I still interact with one “new since commissioning” friend from my time at my first base of assignment. The others either faded quickly, suddenly disappeared, or were otherwise unacquainted.

Here at my current base of assignment, I hold my acquaintances at an arm’s length. The idea that I likely cannot make good friends is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I can participate in social activities and even enjoy them, but it’s all so shallow – but it’s “safe.”

I’m not sure why I’ve allowed (or perhaps chosen?) this to be my personal strategy. (Have I? Or am I just a little bit sad right now?)

Break, break.

On most days, I’m convinced that I like what I do, even on days where I find myself left bereft of energy; even on days where I find myself frustrated.

Some days, I’m not sure that what I do matters. I always understand that if I fail to do my job, it has observable impacts in the lives of others, but it’s not always clear that the chain of impacts has any meaningful impacts. I suppose that’s a matter of perspective, though.

Break, break.

These are some things I feel I have little time to consider.

I find myself going to work, exhausting myself, then returning home with few desires but to decompress and rest before returning to work.

I think I’m misunderstanding something, but I’m not sure what it might be. If I could figure that out, I could probably be more confident in general.

I feel like I’m an overall confident guy – maybe the word I should be using is “conviction.” I need something to be enthusiastic about every day. I don’t think I necessarily need my work to be that something, but work demands (or perhaps, I let work consume) so much of my available daily energy, I find difficulty in being enthusiastic about much.

Maybe I just need to take leave and be by myself for a bit…