In this post:
I discuss the need to broaden perspectives on different kinds of relationships available to us.
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Background
Let’s just jump right to it.
I think many people find developing relationships to be a response to the environments they are in.
Generally, children live within the context of a family and thereby form relationships with their direct and extended family members as well as family friends.
Children go to school and interact with teachers, faculty members, classmates, and students in other grades. Many also later interact with others on the basis of academic or athletic teams.
It is not a necessary result that these relationships are all amicable.
That is an overall beneficial thing, assuming that antagonistic relationships are not the majority of all of an individual’s relationships.
From that, you can gather the implication that part of my message is that diversity in relationships is important, but I’d like to inclusively progress beyond that message.
I posit that as an adult, your choices regarding your relationship developments are more critical than you might know. More specifically, developing relationships should not just be a response to the people sharing your environments.
You should actively seek diverse relationships.
Problem
I get the sense that too many relationships today are chosen – often subconsciously rather than intentionally – based on self-identity, passive self-interest, and convenience. Emphasis on relationships besides family members are often on a romantic partner and a small set of good friends.
This is not necessarily a bad thing, but you could be preventing the development of other, beneficial relationships because of this default behavior.
Developing relationships due to self-identity is relatively safe, but risks a balancing element. Perhaps you’ve heard the cognitive bias “Law of the Instrument” attributed to Abraham Maslow: “If the only tool you have is a hammer, it is tempting to treat everything as if it is a nail.”
If you are a military member, it’s typical to consider military options to address international issues, even though there might be economic, diplomatic, or other options that are better suited to address the issues.
If you are an engineer, it’s typical to consider efficiencies to address a problem when a management technique might be more appropriate.
Developing relationships based on self-interest is reasonable, but insufficient. This is especially and increasingly true as more and more issues become more tightly intertwined throughout the world.
Developing relationships of convenience is similarly inadequate.
We should not develop relationships solely to our comfort and personal benefit.
Approach
So, how should we expand our perspective on developing relationships?
- I think it’s important to start by identifying the many needs of the relationships in your life.
Do you need romance? Or, if you don’t consider yourself particularly romantic, do you need intimacy?
Do you need validation? Do you need to escape the feeling that you need validation?
Do you need accountability? Do you need motivation? Do you need discipline?
Do you need divergent positions? Do you need more perspectives?
Do you need guidance, whether spiritual, professional, ethical, or otherwise?
Do you need gravitas? Do you need fun? Do you need balance?
Do you need to develop a very specific skill set? Do you need access to a specific network?
Do you need community?
I cannot tell you what you need in your life, but I can encourage you to consider different needs…
- After identifying your needs, consider the relationships that facilitate meeting those needs.
Try not to read this as an outright jab – I believe intimate and/or romantic relationships are important – but do you believe that it’s wise to bucket a multitude of needs into a relationship with a romantic partner?
Oh, and don’t forget your relationship with yourself. It may not be obvious that this is a relationship you have, but you should also consider developing it. Unfortunately, I will not be elaborating on this topic in this post.
Furthermore, consider relationships outside of those typically associated with positivity by including potentially neutral and subjectively negative ones:
Friends may generally be neutral to positive, but do your current friendships serve who you want or need to be? That does not need to be a substantial judgement, but it is worthwhile to consider whether you might be limiting yourself because of your existing friendships.
Do they just enable your current behavior, or do they challenge you to be better?
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You may not register peers as important to develop relationships with, but they may be an excellent source of accountability, perspective, and/or guidance. They are individuals ‘at your level’ somehow, whether professionally or generally and come with their own perspectives that you might be able to benefit from. You are likely to provide benefits of your own to them, too.
Many of your peers may be obvious, but consider the networks involved in your professional or recreational environments. If you have the slightest curiosities about how different individuals engage within that environment, ask questions and initiate those relationships!
Similar to peers, rivals are like peers but rather than merely ‘different’ perspectives, they have thematically opposed ideas to your own. Presumably, the opposition is less in the realm of ethical or moral difference but more based on process or perhaps philosophy. Both you and your rivals ought to share similar goals, but you go about the pursuit of those goals with different approaches.
If you do not have any form of rivals in any facet of your life, do you have a position on anything important to you?
By seeking to quench your curiosities or by engaging in your hobbies, you should readily encounter your rivals.
Similar to rivals but less similar to peers are straight up enemies.
Enemies may or may not have opposed methods, but they certainly have directly opposed goals to you. The benefits of an enemy include significant motivation. The easy example from a military perspective is straight up existential motivation.
Enemies blur with rivals in athletic or gaming competitive environments, but what’s important about both is the opportunity to reflect both upon your methods and, perhaps more importantly, your purpose.
Developing relationships with rivals and enemies is obviously through engagements of conflict, but the real benefits come from studying and trying to understand them.
Drawing comparisons and contrasts while reflecting on both your own and their behaviors should make you better. If you have quality rivals and enemies, they’ll do the same to facilitate a virtuous cycle of improvements. It might not be collaborative, but that’s not always necessary.
As a quick example: I used to play competitive Super Smash Brothers, and the only real way to improve at successive tournaments was to understand your different opponents better each time. The problem (and/or perk, depending on your perspective) was that they were not often idly waiting between tournaments, so they would also improve.
Some of these players were rivals that might specifically request training with you, while others were enemies that you would only encounter in brackets and did not want to interact with you otherwise.
In circumstances where your interactions are minimal with your enemies – perhaps in the market or other metric-driven (rather than direct contest) competitions – it might still be possible to simply observe their behaviors to identify strengths, weaknesses, and possibilities.
Enemies are met in similar fashion to rivals: as a consequence of your actions.
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Finally, facilitating the improvements with or without collaboration but doing so without the antagonistic nature of rivals or enemies, there are mentors.
Mentors are individuals that could be ‘you, but with significantly more experience’ and are often happy to share their informed experiences with you.
I’m not sure this requires much explanation as to why this relationship is beneficial, but just in case a case must be made, my first thought is simply “why wouldn’t you?”
Perhaps you feel it’s more beneficial to endure developing on your own, but even with recently new technology, there is almost always someone with more experience than you from whom you can drastically and rapidly benefit.
As a high school student, even your upper class students can shortcut your knowledge development windows. As a new employee, someone can shortcut your cultural assimilation. As a new engineer, a chief engineer can direct you to best practices or best resources.
Plus, potential mentors are often enthusiastic about sharing their knowledge and skills, making this relationship a win-win situation.
Seeking mentors may be an informal or formal activity. In either case, you often need to simply express your desire for a mentor. One will either appear or likely be recommended to you. If your organization is too small, chances are that you’ll need to seek a professional network to find a mentor.
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The challenges we all face these days are complex and require bringing more than any single individual is capable of contributing to solutions.
Effectively developing relationships seems to be a dwindling skill, but it’s not too late to bring emphasis back to this critical skill.
Interacting with people is not as easy as ignoring others, but the difference in benefits is significant…
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Quick Questions
Are there any other kinds of relationships you’d suggest?
What kinds of experiences have you had with different relationships?
72 Airman's Writings 